What are the 5 Love Languages?
Gary Chapman wrote the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts using the knowledge and experience he’d gained from 45 years of marriage and 35 years of pastoring and marriage counseling.
We discovered the 5 Love Languages, as well as our own primary and secondary love languages, a couple of years ago. Honestly, it has changed the way we think about relationships quite a bit.
The love languages are all about what fills your “Love Tank” up. What, at the end of the day, makes you feel most fulfilled and secure in your relationship? If you have yet to explore your primary and secondary love languages, allow us to change the way you date FOREVER.
The 5 Love Languages Defined
#1 Words of affirmation
Essentially, this is using words to build your partner up. Think words of affection and appreciation.
“Your hair looks great.” “I love your laugh.” or even a simple “I love you.”
If you like to be loved with words of affirmation, the words your partner chooses to use with you hold a lot of weight. A simple compliment or a few words that let you know they’re thinking about you will fill your heart with joy.
And, if you speak to your partner using this love language, you tend to use words to express your affection.
#2 Acts of Service
This is doing something for your partner that you know they would like. You seek to please by doing things for your partner. For instance, if they like pancakes, you might make them breakfast with pancakes included the next morning or randomly throughout your relationship. Everything from cooking to vacuuming to running errands for them are all acts of service. They all require thought, planning, time, and energy and, when done for your partner, are definitely an act of love. This is the age old, “actions speak louder than words” love language.
Need we say more? It’s a tangible, sometimes monetary way of saying “I was thinking about you so I got you this.” To some that study the subject, this is said to be the easiest love language to learn if your partner has this.
#4 Quality Time
This is spending one-on-one, undivided attention time. TV watching doesn’t really count. It’s more like a nice intimate dinner with phones away. If this is your/your partner’s love language, the common theme is that time needs to be spent with each other to feel most loved.
#5 Physical Touch
This one is a little obvious as well. Hand-holding, kissing, touching, even sex all fall within this category. You can get really creative with this one! And, let’s be honest, it’s probably fun for the both of you. NOW GET OVER HERE WITH UR FINE ASS.
What are your primary and secondary love languages?
It’s important to know your primary and secondary languages and also to know your partners. What you might like and want could be very different from what they might like and want. To give each other just what you both need and “fill those love tanks,” you should learn about your love languages.
Here’s the quiz to do just that!
What are our Primary & Secondary Love Languages?
We know you are just DYING to know what keeps us going. So that you can woe us… We are on to you!😉 We each went into our two love languages and why they so perfectly suit us.
Lauren’s Love Languages
Guys when I say that I’m like 110% Words of Affirmation – you best believe it! I am all about communication and verbal praise. If I look cute, tell me! If you love me, let me know! I love the random texts and little phrases that are out of the blue. They make me feel so loved, so important, and just generally like the little blushing emoji. Like my Love Tank is instantly filled with all of this stuff! If I’m in a relationship – even with friends – and we fight, a quick little sentence to say “I still value you.” is all I need to feel better.
My secondary language would have to be Physical Touch. It also makes me feel loved to be in a crowded room and my partner takes my hand or puts his hand on the small of my back. Sweet little nothings mean the world to me and help to keep me content in my relationships. And I like physical touch because let’s face it, it’s fun for me, too!
In a relationship, I tend to ‘speak’ mostly with Acts of Service. I do a lot of things for people I care about that I know they would enjoy. This might not be gifts, because I’m broke, but I will absolutely make them dinner or clean their apartment or whatever it may be that day.
I have been in a relationship one or two times with people who do not speak the same love language as I do, and it can make things very difficult. If my boyfriend at the time was busy giving gifts all day, and that’s not how I like to receive love, then it can feel like I’m not being seen or heard. Why hasn’t he told me he loves me verbally? Why hasn’t he complimented my appearance lately? Whereas my partner may feel like I’m completely ignoring all of the loving gifts that he’s been showering me with.
I plan on writing more about situations like these – so I’ll save all of that for later. But, just know that these languages are so important to a loving, healthy relationship. And, just because you both speak different love languages does not mean all hope is lost. It just means that you have to be open and honest about how you want to give and receive love in your relationship.
Jordan’s Love Languages
Honestly, it took me a while to figure out my love language. For a long time, I accepted whatever love I was given and made it work for myself. And as you probably could guess this was not fulfilling in the slightest! As I began to put myself first in my life and then in my relationships, I realized what I needed to feel loved and appreciated.
My first love language is definitely Acts of Service. To me, paying attention to your partner and learning all of their quirks and joys means a lot to me. Ordering my favorite Chinese takeout, doing the dishes, surprising me with Reese’s cups that I love so much – these things speak volumes to me. For me, it shows that you care and love me enough to pay attention.
My second love language is Words of Affirmation. You don’t have to declare your love to me in a long drawn out paragraph. Simple phrases or words do the trick.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to ask questions and pay attention to your partner or any relationship you’re in. Knowing someone’s love language is like having a direct line to their soul. It fulfills them regardless if they have even taken the time to figure out their love language or not. If I am in default mode, I would definitely have to say my giving love language is acts of service. This is probably because this is the one I value the most. But that doesn’t mean it is filling up my partner’s “love tank” (as Lauren so perfectly put it) I encourage everyone to do a little digging and see what make that person’s face light up with joy. I don’t care if it’s your partner, your best friend, your roommate, your mom – we all have our own love languages that communicate how we receive and appreciate love. And you can never give too much of that.
Abby’s Love Languages
I didn’t actually know my love languages until I took this quiz last week. I am excited to report my top two love languages are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Followed CLOSELY by Physical Touch. Score was 8, 8, 7, respectively. I received an email with my results and further explanations of each language containing both the good and the bad.
Quality Time, I do love me some of that. There’s nothing like hanging out with the one or ones that I love, doing something we love, with each other’s undivided attention. Although, what I noticed most in the Quality Time description was the – “distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful” part. I am a planner and love to organize activities down to the minute and it super sucks when they are canceled. I love spending time with my loves and I love when it’s obvious they want to spend time with me by being available when they say they will be and by giving me their attention.
Words of Affirmation is a BIG one, and definitely an obvious one, to me. I’ve realized it more now that I’ve been at my full-time job for a while. The job doesn’t exactly get the most praise and it makes it really hard for me to stay motivated and to feel good about the work I do. I love hearing I’ve done something well or that I am appreciated or that I am loved. Send me a little love note out of the blue and I will actually DIE. In the Words of Affirmation description, it says “insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.” This really stuck with me (no pun intended). It screams me. I will overthink and overplay the insult or unhappiness I received from someone I love and it’s v sad (and v unhealthy, I know).
The love language that I give is gifts.
If I know you are sad or having a rough day, I’ll bring you Chipotle (ask Lauren). If I want you to know how much I love you and appreciate you, I’ll buy you your favorite candies. If you mention you really, really want something (and it’s not stupid expensive), I’ll buy it for you! I’m not sure why I do it but to me, that’s the BEST way I can show my love. But as Jordan said, it’s more important to listen to what your peeps need and give them the love language that makes them the happiest. I.e. I’m gonna go tell Lauren she’s bootyful right now and then I’ll write down in my phone notes that Jordan’s favorite chocolate is Reese’s and I’ll make sure to have a ton next time we are together!! <3
Do you know your love languages? What is your favorite action a loved one can do to fill your “love tank” ??